I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
