Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
