Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Houston, we have a squirter
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize