why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
