Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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