I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
