I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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