32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize