I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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