That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
