he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize