i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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