There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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