Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
