I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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