Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
