I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
