dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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