...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
