I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
