its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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