ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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