I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
