he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
