I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
