It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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