I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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