I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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