If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
