does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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