First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
