Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
