i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
