Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she peed on how many people?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
