so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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