She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
