proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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