At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
