He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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