How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
