she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
