Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
