the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
