I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
