this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
