PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
