Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
