So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
