My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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