The maid of honor just puked.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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