Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
