I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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