the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
