Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
