I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
