If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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