I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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